What An Opportunity

Posts Tagged ‘Miami’

The NCAA and you.

In Sports on January 24, 2013 at 12:15 am



Are you worried about making sure your school is doing the right thing? Are you worried about making sure you can do the best you can for your student-athletes? Then you are at the right seminar! We are the NCAA…and we are here to help. Now we’re sorry if we can’t get to all the questions that you have but we will cover what we can.

So let’s get started. First, we can all agree that these student-athletes are amateurs. They are, after all, students first. So…they should not be paid for their sporting endeavors. If, as a school, you happen to make money off a player’s name, number, talent, etc., it is your right as the school to pocket that money. After all, you are providing an education. Moreover, we will sanction video games such as NCAA Football and NCAA Basketball, and partner with media partners like ESPN, but we will leave the players’ actual names off the game so no one can will know. For example, it is impossible for someone to confuse the cover boy of NCAA Football 11, #15 from Florida, as Tim Tebow. We’ll keep that between us.

Now, about that education. Like we said, you will provide athletic scholarships so these individuals can go to school. Also, there will be mandatory study time so the athletes don’t feel overwhelmed. If practice times are too stressful and impede with academics, you can be sure that the athletes would pick an education over sports. There is nothing in our college sports culture that would cause a student-athlete to prioritize sports over an education. Furthermore, no coach would ever intimate to a player that college is just all about the sport. Coaches have to balance the rigors of sports with the realities of gaining a quality education.

In addition, no coach is to help an athlete get a grade he/she did not earn or herd them into courses that are less rigorous with an understanding about the situation; those situations would be unethical. Therefore, we are establishing an Academic Progress Rate. If your athletes fall below a specific number we deem as unacceptable, you will be banned from postseason participation.

Brief aside: Except you, football.  Don’t worry guys. You make us the most money so just keep doing what you’re doing.

Anyway, as I was saying…banned!

Now, let’s talk about criminal proceedings. Most of the time, we don’t really care; we’re not that type of organization. Still, if it makes big enough of a public stir, we’ll poke our heads into it. So, if it’s a crime that involves athletes, we will prosecute to the full extent of the law that we made up for that day; you can’t adjust for everything, you know. And because we made it up that day, we are not accountable for telling you why you received such a punishment. We punish as we see fit.

You see, it’s not our fault…oh, wait. I almost forgot. If we have turned a blind eye to your school’s misgivings because you were winning influential games, do not take that for granted. If you slip up when you are not relevant, we will lay down the law. Furthermore, there is no one we will not talk to in order to get our point across to your institution. That includes the defense attorney of the person that is in prison for providing impermissible benefits to your athletes. We have no reason to doubt the statements of that defense attorney towards said institution and will use them in our court of law as judge, jury, and executioner.

Now, as I was saying before, it is not our fault that you universities are utterly helpless. As beacons of academia, your lightbulb is beginning to dim; and some may argue, have been dimming for some time. It is tough to make money, apart from tuition hikes, so you force faculty to publish as much as possible to get the most money into your school. Yet, sometimes that isn’t enough. So you began to rely on donations.

That method makes alot of sense until the boosters decide that instead of a building named after them, they want to see a winning football team. Coupled with the media contracts and sponsorships associated with popular sports like football and men’s basketball, and the fact that we say you can’t pay your players, you have a wonderful revenue stream. Well, kind of. The actual math is kind of tedious but pretty much only some schools make a profit on sports through ticket sales and sponsors but that’s neither here nor there.

All that you need to know is that we are here and we are here to help you. We are the NCAA. Any questions?

20 simple reasons this year’s NBA Finals will be the coolest thing ever.

In Sports on June 11, 2012 at 12:52 pm


1. We get to see what Russell Westbrook will wear to at least four more press conferences.

As SportsCenter put it, he just might be Urkel’s athletic brother. And if he dresses that ridiculously for a regular postseason series, just imagine what we’ll see on the biggest stage. Expect overalls and goggles.

2. Two white guys will play.

Nick Collison and Mike Miller are actually major contributors to the two best teams in the league. When they’re playing, the leaping ability will be low and basketball IQ will be high.

3. The two best players in the world are going head-to-head.


4. Arguably the league’s two best defensive stoppers will be in full lock-down mode.

With Bruce Bowen hanging up his sneakers to don a bow tie on ESPN, two of the best shut-down defenders in the league today are Shane Battier and Thabo Sefolosha.

5. Two of the NBA’s youngest head coaches will square off.

Erik Spoelstra, 41, and Scott Brooks, 46, are youngsters in the industry. While some have called for Spoelstra’s job, they’re both up-and-coming young minds in the NBA coaching ranks.

6. Buffalo native Lazar Hayward will play.

Well, sort of. He sits on OKC’s bench, but still represents the 716.

7. We’ll see the greatest home advantage in professional sports.

Sorry, Seattle. I really do feel for you. People in Oklahoma City love their team and they make it mighty difficult for any road opponent to win. Chesapeake Energy Arena is going to rocking.

8. Quite possibly the two ugliest power forwards in the modern NBA era will line up for Miami.

Frankenstein lookalike Udonis Haslem and dinosaur-esque Chris Bosh form a deadly combination.

9. Dwyane Wade will face a younger, dumber, more athletic version of himself.

Hard to imagine a more athletic Flash. ‘Sup, Russell Westbrook?

10. Eddy Curry is on Miami’s bench.

This point isn’t really relevant because he never sees the court, but remember when Curry was supposed to be the future of the NBA? Check out a great article on Curry here: http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7887970/the-divergent-careers-miami-heat-eddy-curry-new-york-knicks-tyson-chandler

11. Casual basketball fans will realize Juwan Howard is alive and kicking.

Hard to believe a member of the Fab Five still plays in the NBA.

12. Derek Fisher will shoot for one more ring than Kobe.

Fisher is perhaps one of the most unsung heroes in NBA history. The guy is unselfish and he consistently knocks down big shots. Plus that lefty stroke is nothing short of perfection.

13. The two best “big threes” will go at it.

Yes, Boston has a good one, but Ray-Ray tailed off and Rondo was clearly the focus of that team this year.

14. James Harden’s beard.

Life would make sense if I could grow facial hair half as beautiful.

15. Former mid-major star Norris Cole (Cleveland State) plays for Miami.

He may have fallen in the ranks throughout the year, but mid-majors unite!

16. Serge Ibaka will do something freakishly athletic and it will be awesome.

The big dude is a poor man’s Dwight Howard. Someone’s going to give him a lot of money next summer.

17. Someone will finally point out that Joel Anthony’s hairline is at least twice as bad as LeBron’s.

Bron-Bron might be getting older, but I can’t be the only one who’s realized that his teammate boasts a hairline much further back.

18. The league’s two most entertaining teams are playing.

Keep the highlight reel rolling.

19. Kevin Durant will continue to hug his mom, Wanda, after every game in OKC.

And the sports world will continue to collectively “awww.”

20. Oklahoma City is bound to chant “MVP” for Kevin Durant at some point.

That’s gonna be pretty awkward for the actual MVP, LeBron. Perhaps Miami will respond with its own MVP chant and we’ll be stuck in a chant-off, which will only add to the series’ heavy amount of awesome.


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